| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|03:56 pm] |
About an hour ago, after class, the boy with the best English walks up to me and says, "Teacher, do you know what the biggest dick in the world is?"
"...the biggest what?" I ask, hoping that I didn't hear him correctly.
"The biggest dick!" he answers joyfully, gesticulating an enormous length with his hands.
"...no," I answer. What else can I say?
"I looked it up in the Guinness Book of Records! It is 54 centimeters!" He announces this triumphantly, with aplomb and delight.
I am absolutely gobsmacked. I don't want to continue the conversation because I am afraid he is going to follow up with personal questions.
I tell him: "OK! I have to go, see you later!"
And then I get the hell out of there.
Mondays suck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|08:59 am] |
Today I introduced a discussion topic for my 10th graders: is it better to marry for love, or for money? After I said this out loud, one boy immediately called out, "For sex!"
After laughing for about a minute, I regained my composure enough to answer, "You don't have to get married to do that." |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|09:05 am] |
When we need to take a verbal pause in English, we say "um". When the Chinese need a verbal pause, they say "nigga". This phenomenon often results in the Chinese saying outrageous and funny things.
For example, when I asked my class to tell me the population of our city, one girl said "One million... nigga!"
And when I asked if they understand the word "referee" as it applies to racing, a boy made a gun with his hand and said, "Nigga... bang!" When I heard that, I couldn't help myself; I answered, "Yes, that's right, the referee is the nigga who goes bang." Fortunately, the students didn't get the reference.
Maybe on the last day of school I'll explain what "nigga" means and tell them never to say it in English. Until then, I'm going enjoy the students' unintentionally racist statements. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|09:04 pm] |
Today I taught my favorite 7th grade class. There are about 4 girls in the class that are really sweet. They're well-behaved, eager to participate, and love talking in English.
Today, one girl told another, "You are fat!"
The other girl smiled happily and answered, "I am fat cat!"
So cute! |
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| Bar fight - written on 10/31/09, posted a day later |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|06:35 am] |
Last night we went to a bar with some of the Chinese teachers, and we witnessed a bar fight. A customer had an argument with the bartender - both were very drunk. The customer smashed his glass on the bar, and said something to the bartender. The bar tender responded by smashing a bottle and waving the jagged end at the customer. The customer walked away, and I thought the affair was over. Not so: the customer yelled something, the bartender came around to confront him, and then things got crazy. The customer may have had a knife - I saw him hold something to the bartender's throat. The bartender made no move to defend himself - maybe he was saying something like "You don't have the guts to do it," I don't know. Then the two picked up beer bottles and smashed them on each others' heads. They made no attempt to stab each other with the broken bottles afterward - they just reached for new bottles. A third fellow came out and grabbed the customer. They all grabbed hold of each other and seemed to wrestle for a few seconds, then they separated, grabbed beer bottles, and threw them at each other.
Our group (8 people total, 2 guys and 6 girls) was sitting at a table to the side of the action. At this point everybody moved toward the wall. I stood in front of the group, looking at the scene playing out in front of me with disbelief. Some of the Chinese bar girls came over to stand with our group away from the fight.
Meanwhile, the beer bottles were flying. At this stage of the fight, practically every empty or full bottle at the bar and surrounding tables (excluding our table) was smashed. A woman behind the bar threw a bottle at the customer, and he threw one back. It was like dodgeball with Heineken bottles. A piece of glass landed on our table. After maybe 10 seconds of this, the three fighting men clinched again, continuing to break beer bottles on each others' heads and trying to scratch each others' faces with their fingers. A female bartender came over to try to separate them, and got hit in the head with a bottle for her efforts. I clearly remember the bartender staring ahead blankly as the customer repeatedly hit him on the head with a beer bottle, apparently trying to break it. Finally, the three made their way outside, still all embracing each other. I remember the bartender had blood pouring down his face. An entourage of bar workers accompanied the fighters outside. After a few minutes we peaked outside to see what was happening. The woman who got hit was holding her head and crying. I couldn't make out any of the fighters, but I was trying not to stare. Meanwhile, some of the bar girls had started sweeping up all the broken glass nonchalantly. It made me wonder if this sort of thing was a common occurrence for them. We left the bar, and went back to our rooms.
Seeing this fight bothered me a lot, on many different levels. Throughout the fight I felt tense. As I watched them repeatedly smash beer bottles on each others' heads, I tried to think of what would happen if their attention turned to us. They fought like animals, just lashing out without caution or discipline, without intent or purpose. None of the fighters tried to protect themselves - they only thought about attacking. But they never punched, never kicked, never stabbed. The action was happening so quickly, I felt like I could hardly process what was happening.
Maybe I'll post more about this later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|03:24 am] |
Today, one of my classes had the following phrase written on the black board under the heading Daily English:
"And so on and forth and so fifth."
Simply outstanding.
When I came into that class, there was a middle-aged gentleman standing over a student. The gentleman grabbed the boy by the arm and led him away. I looked out of the classroom after them, and saw that the gentleman had shifted his grip from the boy's arm to his ear, and was firmly pulling him along. This bothered me enough that I told the Chinese teachers what I'd seen. But they just shrugged and said, "Maybe the boy did something bad." |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|11:24 pm] |
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I had my 8th graders pretend that they were salesmen. Two of them would come up to the front of the classroom and try to sell something to me. Two boys tried to sell each other. The more fluent boy listed all the reasons why I should buy his partner, who solemnly stayed quiet. After the first boy finished his sales pitch, I asked his partner if he had anything to add. His reply was simple and direct: "You should buy him, his meat is delicious!" |
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| e-dogs and telephants |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|03:14 pm] |
The Chinese students pick up a lot of interesting vocabulary, while at the same time being unfamiliar with some of the most common English words (like "stuff"). In one class, I asked each student to give me an English word for a story we would write together. Somebody said "e-dog." I asked about this word, and was shown a textbook that had a picture of a dog sitting next to a box labeled "e-dog." In a different class, I had the students play a game where they had to write different animals on the board. One group had trouble thinking of an animal that starts with "T", so they wrote "telephant." I was quite impressed.
The Chinese students are driven, obedient, competitive, and vicious. A Chinese student hates having to answer questions, because any mistake will cause his peers to correct him, yelling and jeering. This type of abuse causes some of the students to be incredibly shy. Playing telephone with the class is impossible, because the first person will shout the answer to the last person in an effort to win. When I ask for volunteers, the class will often start chanting one student's name. Sometimes this is friendly teasing, but sometimes it is obvious bullying. When I ask them to say something in English, they will often single each other out with sentences like "Kim is a pig who is not very pretty, and she likes to eat rubbish." Sometimes the subject of this teasing will accept it with good humor; and sometimes not.
But at the same time, the students are very perceptive and intelligent. They are honest and hard-working. They recognize the absurdities in their daily lives, and they dream of a life where they can be the boss who hides in his private office and plays video games all day. I think most Americans can relate. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|08:14 pm] |
Today I had the kids write sentences using phrases like "what's up," "that's cool," etc. One boy wrote that for my birthday, he would give me a moon ticket. All of the other kids thought that was the funniest thing they've ever heard. Finally, one girl explained to me that a "moon ticket" was a ticket that allows a boy to use the girls' bathroom for 6 months. I still haven't figured out if that's supposed to be a reward or a punishment.
Speaking of bathrooms, the public bathrooms at this school are the WORST thing I've ever seen in my life. They have trough toilets. Not even squat toilets, but trough toilets.
Most public bathrooms in China have squat toilets, and no toilet paper - you have to bring your own. The exception to this would be hotels and restaurants that cater to Western tourists. Squat toilets are awful, simply and unequivocally horrible. A hole in the ground would be better. I know some people argue that squat toilets are more sanitary than Western toilets because your body never touches the toilet - but that's nonsense. A person's mouth, lips, and hands have far more bacteria on them than the average toilet seat. Squat toilets have no place in a civilized society, and the best thing the Chinese government could do is ban those abominations. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|04:18 am] |
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Today when I returned to campus from a nearby grocery store, I heard loud death metal playing. At first I thought it was coming from somebody's car, but soon discovered that it was being played all over campus via the PA system. I listened more closely, and made out the lyric "If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son / I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" being repeated over and over. I know that some of the students understand English well enough to know what this means. And this in Red China, of all places. |
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| My students are homocidal maniacs |
[Sep. 8th, 2009|02:14 am] |
Today, I asked one of my classes to write down what they want to do in class this year. I collected their papers and looked at them after class.
One sheet of paper said "I want to kill you."
Another simply had the the word KILL on it, repeated over and over again.
And perhaps the most disturbing: one child wrote "I want to kiss you," then crossed out "kiss" and replaced it with "kill."
What have I gotten myself into? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2009|04:52 pm] |
I'm in mainland China, in a small city called Zhangjiagang. I'll be here teaching English for the next 10 months. I'm teaching 7th - 9th graders, as near as I can tell. Most of them have a pretty good background in English already. I also teach a class of South Korean students who are studying in China. The Koreans get the nice classrooms.
Most of my classes are very well behaved. But yesterday, I had a couple of trouble makers. They sat in the back of the room, chatting and laughing when I was doing my introductory presentation. I moved them to the front of the room, which didn't help at all. They were both obviously good at English, and were bored by my presentation. They were also very eager to participate, unlike most Chinese students. When I asked what they did this summer, one of them said he spent time with Michael Jackson. (The Chinese kids seem to be obsessed with MJ's crotch-grabbing antics.) He also demanded that we dance in class, and yelled at me whenever I mispronounced the name of our city.
Me: "What's your name?"
Him: "Zero."
Me: "Wrong! From now on, your name is Private Joker."
I think that at the end of the school year, I will promote him to Sergeant Joker. |
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